I’ve been having a serious procrastination problem the last couple of weeks. I think it’s because now that the magazine’s done, I have more free time in which I can go back to working on other things (namely, my thesis, which I put on the back-burner during the chaotic final weeks of publication). It’s just that, I don’t feel like working on other things. I don’t have many pressing due dates, which may be contributing to my apathy toward my work – my final thesis isn’t due until November 2nd, and I’m planning on (hoping to) get it mostly done over the summer break and just spend my final semester revising.
But I just can’t seem to buckle down and focus. Take today, for example; its 10:36am and I haven’t done anything school-related, unless you include spending five minutes checking email. Last night I set my alarm for 7:00, but I didn’t get up until 8:15. Last semester I only had afternoon classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, and I made a pretty good habit of getting up around 6:00 or 6:30 and spending my mornings being productive. I’ve tried to do the same this semester, as my only class on Tuesdays and Thursdays isn’t until 5:00pm, but it just hasn’t happened. Even when I go to bed early, I struggle to get up when my alarm goes off, defying the optimism I had when I set it the night before. So I’m not getting much done in the evenings because I’m going to bed early, and I’m not getting much done in the mornings because I can’t get out of bed early.
This morning I’ve spent drifting around our apartment; I watched The Daily Show, I read half of an Atlantic article, I checked my email, I made coffee…and now I’m writing this blog instead of settling in to do the work I planned on starting three hours ago.
I’ve been preoccupied playing the waiting game with various internship possibilities; I’ve gotten a yes/tentative yes from two, but haven’t heard back from my top choices, and still want to apply for another but the position hasn’t been officially posted so I can’t apply until it’s available online. I have no bad choices before me, for which I’m thankful, but I think that the fact of my graduating this December is making everything seem more daunting. I feel more pressure to make the “right” choice, and the thought of “I need to get a full-time job soon” is always in the back of my mind. I’m still thinking about graduate school, which is also scary. I wrote in my last post that I didn’t think I was afraid to graduate, but maybe I am; actually, more accurately, I think I’m just afraid of making these big decisions, especially when there’s a financial factor to consider (e.g. getting a job that pays well and making the investment in grad school). When money’s on the table, everything always seems more serious. Maybe that’s a good thing; employment and higher education are not things to be taken lightly, but at the same time, I have a tendency to take things too seriously, so I’m trying to remind myself that a sixth month internship is not the be-all-end-all for me, that it’s not going to make or break my future, even if I choose the “wrong” or “less right” one (and I’m not sure there is a wrong choice, which is perhaps why I’m struggling with it so much).
Well, I’ve been writing for almost ten minutes now, so I think it’s time to force myself to do some work for real, otherwise I’ll just feel like a loser later today, which definitely won’t help me feel motivated.