(Un)Motivation

I’ve been having a serious procrastination problem the last couple of weeks. I think it’s because now that the magazine’s done, I have more free time in which I can go back to working on other things (namely, my thesis, which I put on the back-burner during the chaotic final weeks of publication). It’s just that, I don’t feel like working on other things. I don’t have many pressing due dates, which may be contributing to my apathy toward my work – my final thesis isn’t due until November 2nd, and I’m planning on (hoping to) get it mostly done over the summer break and just spend my final semester revising.

But I just can’t seem to buckle down and focus. Take today, for example; its 10:36am and I haven’t done anything school-related, unless you include spending five minutes checking email. Last night I set my alarm for 7:00, but I didn’t get up until 8:15. Last semester I only had afternoon classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, and I made a pretty good habit of getting up around 6:00 or 6:30 and spending my mornings being productive. I’ve tried to do the same this semester, as my only class on Tuesdays and Thursdays isn’t until 5:00pm, but it just hasn’t happened. Even when I go to bed early, I struggle to get up when my alarm goes off, defying the optimism I had when I set it the night before. So I’m not getting much done in the evenings because I’m going to bed early, and I’m not getting much done in the mornings because I can’t get out of bed early.

This morning I’ve spent drifting around our apartment; I watched The Daily Show, I read half of an Atlantic article, I checked my email, I made coffee…and now I’m writing this blog instead of settling in to do the work I planned on starting three hours ago.

I’ve been preoccupied playing the waiting game with various internship possibilities; I’ve gotten a yes/tentative yes from two, but haven’t heard back from my top choices, and still want to apply for another but the position hasn’t been officially posted so I can’t apply until it’s available online. I have no bad choices before me, for which I’m thankful, but I think that the fact of my graduating this December is making everything seem more daunting. I feel more pressure to make the “right” choice, and the thought of “I need to get a full-time job soon” is always in the back of my mind. I’m still thinking about graduate school, which is also scary. I wrote in my last post that I didn’t think I was afraid to graduate, but maybe I am; actually, more accurately, I think I’m just afraid of making these big decisions, especially when there’s a financial factor to consider (e.g. getting a job that pays well and making the investment in grad school). When money’s on the table, everything always seems more serious. Maybe that’s a good thing; employment and higher education are not things to be taken lightly, but at the same time, I have a tendency to take things too seriously, so I’m trying to remind myself that a sixth month internship is not the be-all-end-all for me, that it’s not going to make or break my future, even if I choose the “wrong” or “less right” one (and I’m not sure there is a wrong choice, which is perhaps why I’m struggling with it so much).

Well, I’ve been writing for almost ten minutes now, so I think it’s time to force myself to do some work for real, otherwise I’ll just feel like a loser later today, which definitely won’t help me feel motivated.

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One thought on “(Un)Motivation

  1. You need a little respite, after all the effort you put into the magazine…sort of like after finals. Allow yourself that, and the energy to start working on the next item on your “to-do list” should come quite easily! It doesn’t hurt to catch your breath–relax, so your mind can re-focus!

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