Killing Time

My mood has improved since my last post. I woke up today absolutely not wanting to go to school. When I get stressed and overwhelmed by assignments and deadlines, I develop irrational fears. If I had to map it out, the process goes something like this:

Oh, man. There’s only three weeks left in the semester.

Wait, three weeks?? That means I have to get all of my stuff done REALLY SOON!

How am I going to get everything done? I barely have time to keep up with math homework, let alone to start working on a thesis!

Shoot, I’ve got to plan my thesis. What if my ideas are stupid? What if I try to write it and it all falls apart?

WHAT IF I FAIL?

As you can tell, I’ve got some self-negativity issues to work on. And some trust issues; these last few weeks have been eye-opening in terms of realizing how much I actually trust in God’s grace and providence for me, and how much I let my irrational fears and dependence upon myself dictate my emotional and spiritual health.

But, as I said in the beginning, my mood has improved. I find that even if I wake up feeling lame about life, simply going through the motions of the day helps me cheer up. That’s how today has been. The weather seems to be reflecting my emotional state today: the morning was gray and chilly, but now it’s sunny and a warm 70 degrees. Unfortunately, I’ve spent most of the day in class or in various meetings. In my gap between classes today, I attended an information meeting about a Cambridge scholarship for grad school, which made me feel big and smart but also timid and in shock realizing that I’m at that point in my undergrad career where I could/should start thinking about grad school as a real possibility, rather than a vague idea off on the horizon.

The second meeting was a mandatory graduation workshop that I had to attend to get a hold off of my account so I can register for classes. That also made me feel like the “big, smart student getting ready to graduate”, but also the small, insecure student getting ready to end one era of my life and embark on the next: the “real” world.

So here I am, my head swimming with thoughts of graduate school and resumes and graduation paperwork, while I still have to do my math homework and finish my projects. Who has time for homework when there’s so much else to do and think about?

Time to go to class.

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